Grief and Loss

Editor: Justin Healey ISBN 978 1 920801 27 4 Year 2005 Price: $19.95		Grief and Loss Volume 218, Issues in Society At some point in our lives we all experience loss and grief such as the death of a loved one, divorce or family breakdown. This book focuses on ways of coping with grief in relation to a number of experiences of loss – in what ways do people react to death and loss; how can we help the bereaved? What does one do when someone dies? These grief and loss issues are considered with a particular emphasis on the experiences of children and young people. Chapter 1 Coping With Grief and Loss Grief and loss; The grief process; Commonly asked questions about grief; Working through your grief; Grief reactions associated with cancer and illness-related death; Grief reactions associated with sudden or unexpected death; Grief after suicide; Grief reactions associated with the death of a parent; Grief reactions associated with the death of a husband, wife or partner; Grief reactions associated with the death of a child; Death of a baby; Grief – how to help the bereaved; Why do I feel this way when my pet dies?; What to do when a death occurs; What to do when someone dies; Moving back into your routines. Chapter 2 Children and Young People – What do we tell the children?; Grief and loss for children; Grief and children; Responding to grief and loss; Loss and grief; Helping a young person after loss. Glossary; Facts and Figures; Additional Resources; Index

		FAST FACTS from this volume
Intense emotions and mood changes are a normal part of grieving. Grief is a reaction to loss. Grieving is a very personal experience and there isn’t a right or wrong way. It is determined by culture, the relationship to the person lost and the way the person died. Working through grief is a very personal and painful experience. Some stages of grief are commonly experienced although not everyone will go through all these stages. Grieving is a fluid process. The generally accepted basic stages of grief are: 1. Numbness/denial; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Sadness; 5. Acceptance. People deal with grief in extremely diverse ways and often this can make the person offering support uncomfortable. Despite individual uniqueness, usually an overall pattern does occur, understanding this may help you to show compassion during the different stages of grieving. Grief often begins with shock and numbness and possibly denial. This is usually followed by a time when the pain sets in. Strong emotions may overwhelm the person. Commonly during the sadness and/or depression following a bereavement the person may have no energy and feel listless. They may withdraw or have mood fluctuations, and this can be the hardest and longest period of the grieving process. Finally, there is acceptance. The feelings of depression and rage are less intense. The losses and scars are accepted – this is not necessarily a happy acceptance. Energy and hope begin to return. The entire process is different for everyone but it is never orderly, emotions will pop up and the time periods will flow into each other. Sometimes it’s hard to know how to offer support to a grieving friend. We may be afraid of saying the wrong thing, so we say nothing at all. If we haven’t experienced the death of a loved one, we may have unrealistic expectations of how the grieving friend should feel, or how quickly they should get on with their life. A funeral is for those who are living. It is a celebration and thanksgiving of the life of the loved one who has died. Consequently, it is essential that everyone who has been touched by the life of the deceased has the opportunity to share in that celebration and the chance to say goodbye. There are four basic needs fulfilled by the funeral: physical, emotional, social and spiritual. The time after a funeral can be hard. Attending the funeral may help you stay connected to the person you have lost. After the funeral you may feel empty, lonely and sad. It may also be a time to start thinking about returning to school, uni or work. It is likely that you are still grieving which may mean that it is hard to get back into a balanced routine. Sometimes it can be hard to do day-to-day stuff or it may be that you want to throw yourself back into work or school. Everybody is different and you are the only one who can judge what you are able to do. It is a good idea to get back into routines at a pace that suits you. It may help to remember that it is quite normal to have some days that are tougher than others. Over time it is likely that your routine will return back to its normal pace. Children often have more needs at times of loss which can lead to demanding behaviour as they try to get closeness, care, information, reassurance and support from adults. The experience of loss affects each child differently. The child’s age, emotional maturity, the circumstances of the loss, and the ‘connectedness’ with the person or whatever the child has lost are important factors. It is important to look at each child individually and work out what will best help that child. Children, even at a very young age, can sense and experience grief. They will be aware if their parents or other adults are sad or having difficulties with a particular situation. Sharing your feelings of sadness and loss with a child can help them understand why you are sad and see that it is alright to express their sadness. Young people may give adult caregivers mixed messages. They may hide their true feelings and thoughts and pretend that everything is OK. When attempting to understand adolescent grief you need to consider the young person’s age and level of maturity as well as the nature of the loss encountered. Such losses may include death, termination of a pregnancy, sexual abuse, death of a pet and divorce. Young people, unlike children, are more likely to understand that death is final and permanent. However, there is a tendency for young people to consider themselves immortal. Many emotions occur for the young grieving person, including shock, guilt, anger, and extreme sadness. There may be changes in behaviour such as going back to younger behaviours, tears, anxiety, withdrawal, thoughts of suicide, an increase or decrease in sexual activity and possibly the use of drugs and/or alcohol to help block feelings.

Intense emotions and mood changes are a normal part of grieving. Grief is a reaction to loss. Grieving is a very personal experience and there isn’t a right or wrong way. It is determined by culture, the relationship to the person lost and the way the person died. Working through grief is a very personal and painful experience.
Some stages of grief are commonly experienced although not everyone will go through all these stages. Grieving is a fluid process. The generally accepted basic stages of grief are: 1. Numbness/denial; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Sadness; 5. Acceptance.
People deal with grief in extremely diverse ways and often this can make the person offering support uncomfortable. Despite individual uniqueness, usually an overall pattern does occur, understanding this may help you to show compassion during the different stages of grieving.
Grief often begins with shock and numbness and possibly denial. This is usually followed by a time when the pain sets in. Strong emotions may overwhelm the person. Commonly during the sadness and/or depression following a bereavement the person may have no energy and feel listless. They may withdraw or have mood fluctuations, and this can be the hardest and longest period of the grieving process. Finally, there is acceptance. The feelings of depression and rage are less intense. The losses and scars are accepted – this is not necessarily a happy acceptance. Energy and hope begin to return. The entire process is different for everyone but it is never orderly, emotions will pop up and the time periods will flow into each other.
Sometimes it’s hard to know how to offer support to a grieving friend. We may be afraid of saying the wrong thing, so we say nothing at all. If we haven’t experienced the death of a loved one, we may have unrealistic expectations of how the grieving friend should feel, or how quickly they should get on with their life.
A funeral is for those who are living. It is a celebration and thanksgiving of the life of the loved one who has died. Consequently, it is essential that everyone who has been touched by the life of the deceased has the opportunity to share in that celebration and the chance to say goodbye.
There are four basic needs fulfilled by the funeral: physical, emotional, social and spiritual.
The time after a funeral can be hard. Attending the funeral may help you stay connected to the person you have lost. After the funeral you may feel empty, lonely and sad. It may also be a time to start thinking about returning to school, uni or work. It is likely that you are still grieving which may mean that it is hard to get back into a balanced routine. Sometimes it can be hard to do day-to-day stuff or it may be that you want to throw yourself back into work or school. Everybody is different and you are the only one who can judge what you are able to do. It is a good idea to get back into routines at a pace that suits you. It may help to remember that it is quite normal to have some days that are tougher than others. Over time it is likely that your routine will return back to its normal pace.
Children often have more needs at times of loss which can lead to demanding behaviour as they try to get closeness, care, information, reassurance and support from adults. The experience of loss affects each child differently. The child’s age, emotional maturity, the circumstances of the loss, and the ‘connectedness’ with the person or whatever the child has lost are important factors. It is important to look at each child individually and work out what will best help that child.
Children, even at a very young age, can sense and experience grief. They will be aware if their parents or other adults are sad or having difficulties with a particular situation. Sharing your feelings of sadness and loss with a child can help them understand why you are sad and see that it is alright to express their sadness.
Young people may give adult caregivers mixed messages. They may hide their true feelings and thoughts and pretend that everything is OK. When attempting to understand adolescent grief you need to consider the young person’s age and level of maturity as well as the nature of the loss encountered. Such losses may include death, termination of a pregnancy, sexual abuse, death of a pet and divorce.
Young people, unlike children, are more likely to understand that death is final and permanent. However, there is a tendency for young people to consider themselves immortal. Many emotions occur for the young grieving person, including shock, guilt, anger, and extreme sadness. There may be changes in behaviour such as going back to younger behaviours, tears, anxiety, withdrawal, thoughts of suicide, an increase or decrease in sexual activity and possibly the use of drugs and/or alcohol to help block feelings.